That I couldn’t maintain a sense of wellbeing without the assistance of drugs, was an issue I avoided by taking more. For the whole of this period, my life stalled. I was able to maintain the semblance of a career but there was no planning, no development. This was deeply damaging to the relationships that mattered most.
There was an inevitable crisis, and I cleaned up, finally convinced that I could never take drugs or drink alcohol again.
I am in a continual process of reflection and evaluation. What is my higher purpose? How do I contribute? What makes me happy?
The possibilities have become more expansive over the years. I want to grow and develop; I never want to feel that I am in the same place, treading water. This sense of growth and development is very central to my happiness; without it I am left with a sense of low-level and continuous discontentment.
More than contentment, what I am looking for is joy, I want to feel exhilarated by my life. This is attainable but it takes effort, and often requires me to push myself into the most uncomfortable and challenging spaces. It is here that I discover my capabilities and they are limitless.